im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
