she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
