May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
