my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I intend to get homeless drunk
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
