I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
