can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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