this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
