i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
