omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
