My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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