Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
no you cant smoke seaweed
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
