I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
