I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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