Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize
