How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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