Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
