70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
These tits shall not be calmed
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