dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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