I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
