I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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