3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
People in love make me want to vomit
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
