Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
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Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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