i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
