why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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