At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
