when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
