So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
