On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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