I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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