Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
