She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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