I think I died a long time ago.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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