Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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