Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why do cheetos always look like penises
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
