Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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