This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
