I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
