I think scott just propositioned me for sex
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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