btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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