it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
