I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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