I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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