Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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