i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
