the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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