Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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