Having a random hookup so left but love u
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
