im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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