Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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