Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
