I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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