Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
