i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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