i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
