i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
