Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
they're like a gay fantastic four
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
