It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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