to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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