Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
