have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
