I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think I died a long time ago.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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