I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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