my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
