Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
