someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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